Recently I bought a new workout bra.  The last two bras, ages 10 and 12 respectively, have lost their youthful elasticity and therefore were put out to pasture.

A new one was commissioned into service. Slightly fancier, this one has a front zipper making it easier to get into than some of its irritating counterparts that require contortionist skills.  Underneath the zipper is one hook and eyelet, providing “security” if the zipper gave out. Not sure this is an effective safety measure since if the whole zipper were to give and that 1/16 inch of wire was the only thing holding things together, it would still be quite a show. That hook feels about as effective at security as the extra strap on a bungy jumping harness or the reminder to tuck into a ball when a plane is crashing. If the system is going to fail, it will no doubt be 100% catastrophic.

The hook isn’t the actual problem. It is the distance between my eyes and the hook that creates issues. It appears I am aging, a happy thought since the alternative is less desirable. However, my eyes can’t focus on the impossible tiny loop and hook because they are too close. After many failed attempts to lasso the hook and after I quit cussing I decided I was clearly too old to work out after all. Who needs a gym? Hell, I worked up a good sweat just trying to get dressed! Now I’m thinking maybe I should just suspend all activities that required traction devices until the girls drift further south where I can actually focus on anything meant to hold them together.

Or I could start wearing one of the four pair of  bifocals I own. There’s that.