“If you were to look at your medication list it looks like you are schizophrenic or have a personality disorder. You don’t, but it looks that way.” Thanks, Doc. Appreciate that insight, I think.

I counted. I take 11 medications in a day. Antidepressants, pills to help the anti depressants to work, three kinds of anti anxiety to keep me from climbing the proverbial and literal walls, blood pressure meds to help me sleep, keep me asleep and keep the nightmares at bay. Not to mention the fail safe med to calm me down when everything goes awry in my brain. Anti psychotics, anti depressants, uppers, and downers. It’s a lot.

I tried medical marijuana which the pot doctor said would replace all the others didn’t work. It made my anxiety go down and my depression get worse. Plus, given my chemical tolerance, I was taking the strength that cancer patients take to control their pain and I could’t feel a thing. I could try drinking but my alcohol tolerance is so high that I could very possibly get alcohol poisoning before I knew I was intoxicated.

I’ve taken to vaping because a couple of meds cause intense sugar cravings and it’s either inhale something sweet or add to the 50 lbs the meds have already deposited on my ass.

Even with all this there are days when I feel like I can’t manage to get out of the house and interact with the world. There are also days when I feel like I can “tony the tiger” it and catch the world by its tail. No one day is like another, except every day feels the same.

Frequently I feel like dumping the thousands of dollars worth of meds into the garage and going commando, living life free of medication. Other days there aren’t enough meds in the world to curb the anxiety and frustrations of life. Sometimes by the end of the day I begin to mentally play russian roulette, trying to decide if I take a little extra of this or that can I get to sleep and end my day faster. I don’t but I consider it frequently.

This is the dance of medication. I pray, I mediate, I study scripture, I exercise hard 5 days a week and try to balance my social and isolation time so there isn’t an imbalance to create problems. I work hard at doing what I need so I can stay in polite society but its wearying.

But I will continue the dance because it allows me to live a life worthy of living. I can worship, encourage others, have friends, love and take care of my family and learn to love myself with because God ha blessed me with access to the care I need for my mental health. Most days I’m grateful for this life. Other days I’m just grateful to make it through the day. But today? I’m so grateful for this life I have.