I woke up early today. I was really disappointed about that, not because I needed extra sleep but because my brain hasn’t yet formed something to look forward to yet today. I used to wake up with a laundry list of tasks begging for my attention. The point is, even if I felt motivation-less , the tasks at hand, my drive to succeed and/or my sense of over responsibility would drag me through the day until I found something that felt like a lot like meaning to hang on to.
Now most of my days have no schedule or calendar to march me through the day. Instead I have a smorgasbord, a veritable feast of time laid out in front of me with all sorts of delicious possibilities. Only I’m not hungry. Why force myself to participate or choose off that buffet when there is no internal motivation?
I have close friends and family I don’t call or visit; mostly because I can’t imagine that they would really want to take time out of their meaning-filled lives of changing the world to deal with me. There are so many relationships that hang in the air like dangling sentences just begging for a punctuation to complete them.
There are personal “projects” to attend to. Exercise, planning and cooking healthy meals and journal writing. There are also household projects to tackle but my motivation is under the bed with the dust rabbits.
It is a black hole to fall into where nobody has any expectations on your daily life. It is there you begin to realize how much our lives revolve around the expectation of others. At one time I had no time to even catch my breath. Now I have the advantage of all the time in the world. Sadly, that time feels like play money, useless to spend and meaningless to even try.
However, everyday i put something on my calendar because I can. Because I’m alive and I have my health and my breath. Because I have beautiful children and a lovely home to be grateful for. And ultimately because as long as I’m alive I will choose to really live with all that is in me.