Day 97 of 100 intentional, reflective steps.

In the 100 days of this writing I have lost a total of 10 lbs and gained back 3. Net loss 7 fricking’ pounds. I have replaced meals with protein shakes, cut way back on calories, abandoned lattes, but the weight comes off so slow. Do I really have the patience for this? That would be a big. Fat. No.

This is why fad diets get started. Because people are impatient and want to see results rapidly. Is it so wrong to want results like we get at the carwash? Pay the money, drive right in, wash the fat off, blow dry, out. I have never considered myself a dieter even though I have tried several diet methods; ideal protein, take shape for life, south beach, weight watchers, extreme working out etc. The only effective diet was the depression diet and while I lost a lot of weight I was pretty sick too.  Turns out eating only popcorn, apples and drinking coffee for months works but backfires eventually by muscle loss, gastro intestinal difficulties, fatigue, agitation and maybe non diet related, bitchiness.  Even so, some days I am tempted to try that again, if I weren’t so dang hungry!

All those diets worked as long as I worked the plan. My problem? As soon as the plan started working I began giving myself permission to “slip up” once in a while and that was the downward slope of the upward scale needle. If only I were as skinny as I was when I first felt fat!

The failed hurdle for me, besides the fact that I can’t get my leg up over an actual hurdle, is self-discipline. Coincidentally, or not, this is the same hurdle that challenges me in spiritual life, academic life, finances, and keeping things on track at home. I’m over all a pretty organized person and that is the only thing that saves my bacon (mmmmm, bacon . . . ) from appearing to be an outright catastrophe most days.

Heres the trick. I can acknowledge the hurdle of lack of self-discipline and maybe even befriend it. However, when I fall I am so angry and disappointed with myself and frustrated that I can’t do things perfectly that the shame and guilt bury me. Failed. Again. Which, of course leads to self soothing in whatever ways I can; food, coffees, a drink or two, snacks, spending etc. 

The only way out of that deadly death spiral is to put anchors in the ground of self-discipline and grace.  Discipline to do what is needed and grace and understanding that I’m not perfect. 

Two anchors to keep me going in the right direction. I wonder if they’re made out of chocolate.