Day 94 of 100 intentional, reflective steps.

So much irony. They took my running shorts and tennis shoes because I might try and strangulate myself. And then they gave me my lanyard with a name tag to hang around my neck. There was no bathtub drain to ensure that I wouldn’t drown myself. However, one tuck and roll down the hill is all I needed If I wanted to drown myself in the outdoor pool.

A mental hospital is no joke. The staff ratios are incredibly high, meaning everywhere someone was watching.  No conversation, interaction, book store spending, eating, joking, exercising, recreation etc. went unnoticed or undocumented. The therapist with their wizard like instincts and spying eyes would put meaning to every activity. “I see you have been watching football with the men a lot. Why is that?” “Because the men are actually unimaginative boys who won’t share the TV and don’t know that box shows anything but sports. I just sit there waiting to pounce and change the channel to Clueless or Legally Blond just to see if their anger management class is working.” 

“You’ve been skipping 12 step meetings a lot. Why?” “Because they are so boring I think they just might drive me to drink.”

“You overslept your first meeting. Are you wanting to get up today?” “Clearly, I’m not.”

“What do you have to look forward to today?” “More gas from the sugar substitute you put in the food.”

“What do you have to look forward to when you leave here.” “Hmmmmm, NOT being HERE.”

Ridiculous.

And they saved my life.