Day 92

Day 92 of 100 intentional, reflective steps

Day 92

I have posted my space heater as guard, sequestering myself into my desk corner. I am hoping the wall of heat and coziness will act like a barrier and keep me in my seat for a while.  Today is not only the start of a new year, which brings with it all the shiny possibilities of setting new goals for life but also the 11th hour of a writing deadline. Must. Work. Today.  

As the new year looms it is a blank slate of possibility. Last year has been colored on, spilled on, shrunk in the dryer and spoiled. Luckily the new year is a brand new white board, a bowling game with 10 empty frames, a fresh box of crayons, an unspoiled innocent new life and its mine for the taking.

I love calendars and journal books. They thrill me down to my calloused toes. I also find them paralyzing. At some point I have to commit, make my mark, mark my territory. No, I don’t pee on them. I write my name. But somehow there is something in me that is never happy with how that first mark looks but I have to live with it none the less. It’s mine. I have claimed it. Let the messing up of it begin.

That same kind of “I don’t want to ruin it” angst looms in these first hours of the new year. I want this year to be better than the last. So, I make unrealistic rules and guidelines for myself so that the year will remain unspoiled. These rules are like new car promises. We swear we won’t eat in them, spill coffee or let so much as a bug fart, so as to preserve the new smell and dignity of the car.  Six months down the road we are kicking french fries under the seat so they won’t get ground into the floor mats. We know it is going to happen but we can’t help ourselves from making promises.

So, this year I’m going to lose 60 lbs. by never cheating on my diet, read my Bible every day and talk to Jesus nicely. I will write everyday before I look at Facebook and never look at Facebook on my phone while on the toilet. I’m going to work out every single day and drink my body weight in water to make sure that  am properly internally cleansed. I will plan ahead, not procrastinate and meet every single deadline. I will not fight with my husband or frustrate my children and sun is going to shine out of both my ass and my smile 365 days this year. 

Clearly, I need realistic goals and dreams. I just don’t know how to set my intentions honestly without perjuring myself in the process. I wish I could find one person who meets their new years resolutions every year and learn from them. Maybe they could teach me how to create a big enough bucket to hold our expectations but small enough to not overwhelm me. In the meantime I’m still going to take my shot at accomplishing world peace and the Miss America crown.