Day 77

Day 77 of 100 intentional, reflective steps

Day 77
I had no idea. I used to think there was one kind of depression and, like the common cold, you either have it or you don’t. Turns out there are about as many categories of depression as ice cream flavors at Baskin and Robins! Who knew?

Luck of the draw. I got a double scoop. First. there is the Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) which by definition is a “persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.” Hmmmm, ok so I have a lot of bad days and my inside voice is really grumpy and bitchy on those occasions when I actually give a damn. Then I was diagnosed with dysthymia which is a “state of chronic depression that lasts for at least two years but is less acute than MDD”. So, I’ve been grumpy and blue for a long time. Together the MDD and Dysthymia, or PDD (Persistent depressive disorder), means I have “double depression”. Yes. That’s a thing.

Adding insult to injury I was told recently that my depression is endogenous, meaning it has some internal causes or origin. Translation? My circumstances aren’t entirely responsible for my depression, my chemical makeup actually is unbalanced, leaving limited possibilities that this will just “go away” some day.

Well shit. Throw me in a garbage can and call me Oscar.

But here’s the deal. I am watching everybody else enjoy themselves on the dance floor while I sit by myself on the bleachers; alternately hoping somebody will engage, ask me to dance while seriously praying that nobody will notice me. However, I have a life to live that is outside myself. I have been blessed with friends and family who need/want me to engage in life, in their lives. So I fight the urge to wallow in my aloneness and do my best to imitate a person who lives gratefully, because at the end of the day I truly am blessed.  My heart knows it. My head doesn’t. I have determined that my heart will win. Every day.