Day 58 of 100 intentional reflective steps.
Last year I knew I needed help. So I asked the pastors who I am accountable to. They answered. Sometimes when we ask for help we get a prayer, a phone call and, possibly a handwritten note or card to express sympathy. Thats not how this group loves. Their love is more like guerrilla warfare than like Hallmark.
We met and they stepped into action. “We will take care of your church. It is no longer your responsibility.” They insisted I cancel all speaking engagements and ministry appointments. They took over my damn life. I was extracted from all the people I was responsible for and the jobs, committees and organizations I was working with. They told me my only job was to get better. Heal. It felt horrible. Isolating. Demoralizing. Frustrating. Confining.
Yes, I had an option. I could have walked away. Chosen to go it on my own. But hanging in the balance was this group of people who said “you will have to walk away from this relationship before we do. We want what is best for you and for your family.” They consulted with the hospital and now with my doctors and therapist. We work together towards my best interest. At great financial cost and time commitment from them, I might add.
The commitment is real and long term. Just yesterday I was considering a job/committee appointment.We discussed and determined it is not the best timing for me. I really didn’t want it to go that way but I don’t have the final word any more. I keep telling myself two heads are better than one. I’m not sure I believe it but at least it helps me feel a little better?
Every step we take is like a three legged walk at a picnic. If either of us over reach, under step or lose our balance we reassess, adjust and move forward. Its not always smooth and there have been missteps, misspeaks, lapses of judgement, and frustration. But at the end of the day there is always someone to lean on. Maybe someday I won’t need as much support or need to be tied quite as firmly to this other balancing body but for now it’s right. Might as well stay attached.
I get asked often if this feels like love or control. The answer is yes. It’s good. Everyone should be so lucky as to have this kind of annoying support. This is gospel. This is restoration. This is love.