Day 37

Day 37 of 100 intentional, reflective steps.
Day 37

I’m sitting watching Pitch Perfect for perhaps the 100th time. I love that flick as much as I love cheerleader movies and beauty pageants. For a  woman who has tried hard to not be seen as a girl for the entirety of my adult life I sure do a pretty good impersonation. 

I work in an industry that is male dominated. I have always worked with men. Since I was little I had thought that God made a mistake by making me a girl. I have always been strong, independent, ambitious, focused and goal oriented.  The more I got to know myself and my dreams the more convinced I was of God’s mistake. Somehow it has been subtly dripped into me that girls weren’t supposed to be those things. Those were masculine characteristics. If I was going to“fit in”  in the woman’s world I would have to camouflage those traits with lipstick and dresses.
I want to fit in with the girls and with the guys too. I long to be able to hang comfortably with people my age and 20 years on either side of it. My Asian self enjoys the company of the Koreans but I always feel “white” even though I don’t look it. It’s a challenge. The truth is, it is a rare person who is able to embrace themselves fully without trying to change to adapt to their surroundings. I have nailed the art of being a chameleon and to the outside observer it appears to work swimmingly. 
I wasn’t built to blend in but I sure as shooting do not want to have to change in order to fit in. The older I have gotten the less apt I am to try because I know the futility of it. Fitting in, the norm, the status quo are all shifting mirages. You can’t ever capture, let alone live within them. However, while a wide and diverse circle of friends tell me I belong my insecurities tell me I don’t. I am slowly shedding the skin of the chameleon and discovering exactly what “color” I am under the camo.

 

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