Day 35 of 100 intentional, reflective steps.
I attended 12 step meetings while hospitalized. So so many of them. Since the majority of people who are dealing with trauma are also struggling with addiction this was one of the treatment protocols. I made a goal to go to 5 out of 7 meetings a week which meant I only needed to hide in my room, the laundry room, or the art room for a couple nights a week. After a while it became “hiding in plain sight.” The staff would say “you know we are supposed to write you up if you don’t go to meeting tonight?” Acknowledging my eye roll they laughed and let me continue to think I was hiding.
During meetings one of the phrases I wondered at was, “I know my next drink/pill will be my last. It will kill me.” I didn’t understand the power of addiction and that one “hit” could be enough to start the final addictive slide towards death.
Not to mitigate the power of alcohol but maybe I do understand the addictive mindset a little bit.
Yesterday it all started with an M&M. They are small, harmless in small quantities, forgettable even. They scratched that sugar itch just enough. Then the Boy Scouts came to deliver my caramel nut popcorn. Perhaps just bite or two. Certainly not enough to affect my diet. Next, sugared creamer in my coffee because that is better than having a pop right? I ended the day with a birthday cupcake and chips and salsa. Salsa is veggies! All of the sudden it is very clear that I am no longer on a healthy eating plan. It’s ok, I can pick back up tomorrow. I lost 6 lbs this week. Don’t I deserve a break?
The thinking pattern is the exact same as any one of the prescription, alcohol or sex addict friends I hung out with in the hospital. Exactly the same.
And then the guilt! But here is where food takes its leave from other addictions. Unless one is diabetic, morbidly obese or has any of the other weight related illnesses it is an acceptable comfort. Nobody is going to stop you or say how your addiction/obsession is affecting them, because in today’s society we act like it doesn’t.
Maybe I should switch to excessive alcohol or illegal drugs. At least then the whole of general society would help monitor my behavior with disapproving gazes or tongue clucking. As it stands now there is nothing but my will power standing in between me and enjoying food whenever I want it. Just my will power? That sounds about as useless as a kleenex in a rainstorm.
Day 7/ of 62 days / Current weight 208 ( Starting weight 214)