Day 2

Day 2 of 100 intentional, reflective steps.

Day 2
In the 99 days/15 weeks left of my 100 days, if I were to lose 4.5 lbs a week I could get to my “goal weight” of 150 lbs.! Woohoo!!! Sigh. Yes, I know that isn’t possible in a healthy way. But the truth is I am deeply unhappy with my body. I can joke about it or tell riveting stories about my weight challenges. I can tell how I wear spandex all the time because pants with a real waistband are uncomfortable and  how my large spandex are now starting to roll down below my belly leaving me feeling like a hippity hop stuffed into tea cup. But the truth is my thoughts about my body take up an inordinate amount of my brain space.  I hate every picture of myself and I even find myself avoiding people I haven’t seen in a long time.

In all fairness my meds do cause water retention (resulting in added weight) and cravings. Also depression affects my motivation but . . .
  • I belong to Weight Watchers.
  • I have a gym membership.
  • I have enough money to continue a weight loss program that I have quit twice already.
  • I have a flexible schedule so I can fit in time to work out and to cook healthy.

It feels inexcusable that I can’t lose weight. Maybe shooting for my ideal weight is not even the right  target! Nothing external, like hair, body type or clothing, should define the essence of my significance as a person. While I don’t really believe those words, something about it rings true.

Here’s my question. What IS a greater measure of my worth than pounds? What if I took a risk for the next 99 days and act as if I believed that the number on the scale isn’t a signifier of my personal value? 

Ok. I feel the judgment. I’m a pastor. I “should” know better than this. In light of the eternal hope I have in Christ I should feel gratitude, joy and contentment at being a beloved child. Reality, y’all.  It is because of our biting, carnal, basest self loathing that freely offered love and grace is so beautiful. Embracing the truth of how preoccupied I am with things that don’t have real meaning makes accepting grace so much more appealing.

I suspect until I figure this out I know no matter how much weight I lose I will not have the joy and peace I crave.