I swore I would never attend another AA, NA, SLA, SLAM, Alanon meeting in my life  While I was in the hospital we were required to attend a meeting on campus. Every. Damn. Day.  I don’t deny the effectiveness of the program! Bill was inspired to be sure. Its just that I thought it was for everybody else since I’m not an addict. I used to hide from the staff a few times a week just so I didn’t have to go to meetings.  They used to threaten to write me up, to which I would respond. “Go for it! Shoot! I’ll even write the report myself! I’m still not going.”

For the better part of the last 2 years, my time on the “outside”, my therapist has tried to get me to attend AlAnon, so I would have a helping community to assist me in my emotional struggles, isolation and thought patterns.  But I hated the repetition of the meetings, the focus on self and all the sadness. The “higher power” conversation offended my spiritual sensitivities. Given the time I could list a dozen other reasons to not attend.

Recently, for reasons unbeknown to me, I have opened the door a little bit to the idea of attending meetings. So, I did. Three times so far in fact. And I feel stupid for being there.

I’m not an addict. I’m not an alcoholic. I’m fine. And that damn prayer. So irritating. 

Yet, every week I work up the courage to go. This week I texted the therapist on my way to meeting. “Why am I going to this meeting”?

Her response? “Several reasons. You aren’t exposed to other people who are dealing with issues. You are codependent. You allow others to control you. You don’t have any sort of recovery community. That’s a few. Oh your sister died of addiction.” My therapist is a smart ass.

My response? “Yeah, but do you have any good reasons?” I’m a smart ass too.

I remain unconvinced these are my people but its an ok place to drink coffee and listen.

Where is the “NAATS” (Not an addict – this sucks) meeting? Oh. Right. It meets at the corner of denial and self righteous. Meet you there?