Day 35 of 100 intentional, reflective steps.
I attended 12 step meetings while hospitalized. So so many of them. Since the majority of people who are dealing with trauma are also struggling with addiction this was one of the treatment protocols. I made a goal to go to 5 out of 7 meetings a week which meant I only needed to hide in my room, the laundry room, or the art room for a couple nights a week. After a while it became “hiding in plain sight.” The staff would say “you know we are supposed to write you up if you don’t go to meeting tonight?” Acknowledging my eye roll they laughed and let me continue to think I was hiding.
During meetings one of the phrases I wondered at was, “I know my next drink/pill will be my last. It will kill me.” I didn’t understand the power of addiction and that one “hit” could be enough to start the final addictive slide towards death.
Not to mitigate the power of alcohol but maybe I do understand the addictive mindset a little bit.
Yesterday it all started with an M&M. They are small, harmless in small quantities, forgettable even. They scratched that sugar itch just enough. Then the Boy Scouts came to deliver my caramel nut popcorn. Perhaps just bite or two. Certainly not enough to affect my diet. Next, sugared creamer in my coffee because that is better than having a pop right? I ended the day with a birthday cupcake and chips and salsa. Salsa is veggies! All of the sudden it is very clear that I am no longer on a healthy eating plan. It’s ok, I can pick back up tomorrow. I lost 6 lbs this week. Don’t I deserve a break?
The thinking pattern is the exact same as any one of the prescription, alcohol or sex addict friends I hung out with in the hospital. Exactly the same.
And then the guilt! But here is where food takes its leave from other addictions. Unless one is diabetic, morbidly obese or has any of the other weight related illnesses it is an acceptable comfort. Nobody is going to stop you or say how your addiction/obsession is affecting them, because in today’s society we act like it doesn’t.
Maybe I should switch to excessive alcohol or illegal drugs. At least then the whole of general society would help monitor my behavior with disapproving gazes or tongue clucking. As it stands now there is nothing but my will power standing in between me and enjoying food whenever I want it. Just my will power? That sounds about as useless as a kleenex in a rainstorm.
Day 7/ of 62 days / Current weight 208 ( Starting weight 214)
Day 30 of 100 intentional, reflective steps.
I’m sitting minding my own business and reading Facebook, which is actually the definition of minding everybody else’s business. But that’s when I see it. An ad from Ree Drummond, the Pioneer Woman chef who makes everything with butter, sugar and happiness. (Think Paula Deen only country-fried instead of southern-fried and in cowboy boots!) She is making an ice cream cake that looks delicious. And it’s Halloween week so everything else on Facebook is sprinkled with candy and treats. But don’t you feel bad for me. I just had cauliflower. Yummy! (Indeterminate muttering of profanity)
Here in lies the problem with trying to eat right, diet, purge, abstain or cleanse. EVERYTHING looks like the thing you aren’t supposed to have. In fact, I think I just nibbled on my dog a little thinking he was a rice crispy treat. GAK! Hairball.
Day 28 of 100 intentional, reflective steps.
This seems an appropriate day to set all sorts of unrealistic goals for my next year that I will regret and break. As much fun as that sounds I think I will resist. However, I am feeling emboldened by setting and accomplishing the daily writing goal so far this month so I am going to attempt another goal. My daughters wedding is two months from today. Two months!!!! WOW! It’s (past) time to work on this weight thing.
I have a lot of valid reasons (meds, illness, etc.) and even more excuses on why I can’t accomplish self discipline in this area. My goal is to set those aside and do what I need to do for my health.
The biggest obstacle to controlling food are two words, INTAKE and EXCEPTIONS. I can manage INTAKE with an affordable, accessible, manageable diet plan. With the help of a friend cheering me on, who is a professional in this area, I know I can do that. It’s easy to follow. What trips me up is the EXCEPTIONS!
What is an acceptable exception? Work party? Holiday? Wednesday? Depressed day? Drink with a friend? Monday? No time to plan dinner? Work day treat? Successful eating week? The list can go on and on. And once I let myself “cheat” I just throw in the towel for the day, which turns into throwing in the towel for the week. Occasionally that turns into throwing in the towel for the month!
Dance break . . . As I am writing this I realize I have deleted more paragraphs than I have kept. Its fear. Every time I type a goal I realize I am “putting it out there.” Now that I know people are reading this blog I don’t want to fail “publicly.” It’s scary y’all!
- Food: No exceptions on intake rules until wedding and then right back on track until goalish weight is reached. Long term/post “diet” is a maintaining a good goal weight with healthy/balanced eating habits.
- Yoga: Love it. Keep up my 4-5 classes a week.
- Walking: Like it. 4-5 times a week
- Weight: Goal is “less. Today I weight 214 lbs. Realistically a healthy goal weight for me is 150 lbs. which could be accomplished next year sometime.
This post has taken me the longest of any of the past 27 to write. Fear. It’s real and it’s trippy.
Day 4 of 100 intentional, reflective steps.
Today as I was standing on my head trying to re-distribute my weight, i.e. thin out my calves so they would fit into sexy black boots, I had a thought. I’m fat. This was quickly followed by the thought that not everything I do has to be a blog or sermon illustration or GOD FORBID, a visual. Sometimes we are just fat.
My fear in publishing a blog is that I will become an oversharing (too late), over zealous (WOW!!!!), millennial (too old) who thinks my every thought is brilliant. Thats not what this blog is about. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and looks like a duck . . . Its time for supper and roast duck! The goal here are observations and trends that guide me forward. This observation is guiding me to the gym. See, its working.
Dressed for yoga and then decided to fight with my husband instead. Raised my heart rate though. That’s got to count for something.