Day 2

Day 2 of 100 intentional, reflective steps.

In the 99 days/15 weeks left of my 100 days, if I were to lose 4.5 lbs a week I could get to my “goal weight” of 150 lbs.! Woohoo!!! Sigh. Yes, I know that isn’t possible in a healthy way. But the truth is I am deeply unhappy with my body. I can joke about it or tell riveting stories about my weight challenges. I can tell how I wear spandex all the time because pants with a real waistband are uncomfortable and  how my large spandex are now starting to roll down below my belly leaving me feeling like a hippity hop stuffed into tea cup. But the truth is my thoughts about my body take up an inordinate amount of my brain space.  I hate every picture of myself and I even find myself avoiding people I haven’t seen in a long time.

In all fairness my meds do cause water retention (resulting in added weight) and cravings. Also depression affects my motivation but . . .
  • I belong to Weight Watchers.
  • I have a gym membership.
  • I have enough money to continue a weight loss program that I have quit twice already.
  • I have a flexible schedule so I can fit in time to work out and to cook healthy.

It feels inexcusable that I can’t lose weight. Maybe shooting for my ideal weight is not even the right  target! Nothing external, like hair, body type or clothing, should define the essence of my significance as a person. While I don’t really believe those words, something about it rings true.

Here’s my question. What IS a greater measure of my worth than pounds? What if I took a risk for the next 99 days and act as if I believed that the number on the scale isn’t a signifier of my personal value? 

Ok. I feel the judgment. I’m a pastor. I “should” know better than this. In light of the eternal hope I have in Christ I should feel gratitude, joy and contentment at being a beloved child. Reality, y’all.  It is because of our biting, carnal, basest self loathing that freely offered love and grace is so beautiful. Embracing the truth of how preoccupied I am with things that don’t have real meaning makes accepting grace so much more appealing.

I suspect until I figure this out I know no matter how much weight I lose I will not have the joy and peace I crave.

Day 1

Day 1 of 100 intentional, reflective steps

One year ago today I was in a psychiatric hospital after a major breakdown. Don’t be too quick to judge; it felt like one minute my world was in order and the next doctors were asking if I felt i had any special powers or heard voices.  

They took my shoelaces, string from my running shorts, leg razor, privacy and dignity.  For months doctors evaluated my mental health. Multiple “methodologies” were used to help me get in touch with my inner child; Equine therapy with ancient horses, a ropes courses, art therapy, yoga, tai chi, meditation, brain wave analysis, light therapy, spiritual reflection and countless hours of talk therapy. While the institution is paid good money to help its clients find a more beautiful life, they do that by shedding light on the ugly parts of ourselves. It was tortuous. What more could I expect from a $10,000 a week “hotel” that refused us caffeine past 8 a.m. and no sugar? Ever. (Sugar and caffeine are drugs kids. Might as well be shooting up or smoking crack.) 

We were cut off from the outside world except through an occasional call made through circa 1970’s phones and the United States Postal Service. There was no music, save the shitty Zen pan flute whining from a sad little sound box hiding behind ancient magazines and crusty modeling clay in the art room. It was surreal and I felt like I was drowning. Every day. Diagnosis were made, medication prescribed and after two long months I was set free to bless the world with my newly enlightened self.

Now I can barely remember my former life. After a long year back at home of therapy and treatment I can finally go into public again but only under the following conditions. The crowds must be small, nobody should touch me uninvited and there should be no startling noises like fireworks, sneezing or birds chirping.  Also, I must have earplugs and quick access to total batman cave stillness and silence. I am still sad, my relationships feel hollow, I spend most of my time by myself and my personhood has been stripped of all the trappings that used to make it seem festive; accomplishments, jobs, accolades, crowds, influence, etc. Therapy has taught me to pay attention to my own needs and feelings. So now I live with anxiety and depression that rolls in and out like the ocean in high tide.

My emotions are held together by pharmaceuticals, 2-4 appointments a week with doctors and therapists, spilled coffee, stubbornness and prayer. To make this a more weighty matter, pun intended, the drugs have contributed to a fifty pound gain, mostly in my ass. I am basically a yellow, round, sad faced emoji In yoga pants. I’m lost.

So, I’ve decided to voluntarily prioritize myself. To come to a place where you are forced to focus on yourself is a tragedy. To chose to is a gift. 

In the next 100 days there are many momentous occasions; A trip to Chicago for work and some play, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, my oldest child’s wedding, the second anniversary of my sister’s death, and New Years Day. Each event, each day gives me opportunity to ignore my inner dialogue, my prayerful conversations and my basic needs or to wallow in my pain and loss. More importantly, it gives me opportunity to see how God will reveal himself  and sustain me as I fight not to regain what I have lost but rather explore the future.

One day/one step at a time for one hundred days.